Your Horoscope


The following appeared in The Pitt News,

March, 2000.

Some of the stars are aligned in your favor. Others, regretfully, are not. Venus has been especially bright lately, a sure sign that love is near. This love may not directly affect you; you may pass an amorous couple embracing near the bus depot’s Kiss & Ride sign, or you may enter your roommate’s bedroom at a compromising moment. You may not have a roommate; it’s just hypothetical.

Venus is also a very hot planet, so be wary that the thermostat doesn’t break. If it does break, get it fixed before summer starts, or you’ll be in trouble.

Your friend may offer you a pet. If you don’t have any friends, a pet may offer you one. I’m not saying you’re not the type to have friends. You may be an extremely amicable guy/girl/woman. And if you’re not, I”m sure you’re just shy. Anyway, even if you’re the most popular bachelor in town, you can always benefit from another friend. The stars insist.

Money should be a big concern right now. Save a lot of it, and then spend it wisely, this week in particular. If you see a fantastic bargain on a Mazda, go ahead and buy it, but make sure it’s not a lemon. If you look under the hood and there’s no engine, thank the salesperson and decline. And remember to buy low, sell high. I never figured out what that meant, but my stockbroker is never wrong.

There’s a distinct possibility that you will get sick this week. Don’t worry; it won’t be serious or long-lasting—unless you contract Ebola, and then you’ll almost assuredly die. While this is unlikely, make sure to write your last will and testament as soon as possible. Feel free to mention me in there somewhere.

You will learn a fascinating geographic fact in the near future.

If a sibling admits something to you, listen to him or her. If it has to do with cross-dressing, be patient and understanding. Not that your sibling would cross-dress, but it’s good to be prepared.

The city of Kahramanmaras is located in southern Turkey.

You must prepare for a long journey, such as a road trip to Maine, or a metaphor, such as a lecture on plastics manufacturing. Ebola might culminate in a long journey, but that’s a messy topic, so please consult your priest/rabbi/mullah.

You will experience a great loss. But only if you eat right and continue jogging.

Beware of Scorpios. They may look like good people, but they’re jealous of you. They wish they could be as awesome as you are. They sit up at night contemplating your doom, wondering what misfortune has rendered them so uncool. Notice how many Scorpios were taking notes during The Talented Mr. Ripley. Scorpios are bad news. Unless they’re just misunderstood. That’s quite possible.

Someone will ask you for spare change this week, no matter how hard you try to look as if you’re in a hurry.

If you are a man, you will see a car billowing smoke on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Being the good samaritan that you are, you will rip open the door and find a beautiful woman lying in the driver’s seat, unconscious. Using your natural knowhow, you’ll manage to wriggle her out of the burning vehicle and carry her to safety just moments before the automobile explodes. She will awaken and thank you for your exploits. She will be a swimsuit model for Victoria’s Secret. You will get married and raise five children in the Hamptons.

If you are a woman, a gay man or a lesbian, modify the above scenario to fit your preferences. It will happen. Trust me.

I wouldn’t recommend flying this week. If you book a flight, your plane will crash in northern Minnesota, where you will be forced to eat your fellow passengers until help arrives. Don’t go swimming until later this year, or, I have a sneaking suspicion, you’ll get cold. If someone offers to sell you a bridge, run. If someone makes you an offer you can’t refuse, just take it. (Your horse will appreciate it). And don’t talk to strangers—especially strangers wanted in several states. They might be misunderstood, but they might also be Scorpios.

And don’t worry. There’s always tomorrow.